5 Things You'll Regret in the Morning

• Article by Sam Findlay
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• March 25, 2011
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It’s Sunday afternoon, you groggily struggle to open your bloodshot eyes and suppress the thought of moving an inch. You’re still wearing your boots and button down shirt, although it’s missing all its buttons and red wine covers the entire right sleeve. Your pocket contents are quite entertaining as you pull a McChicken wrapper, toothbrush, and glass cup out of them. Your neck is sour, knees scraped and a powerful splitting headache threatens to keep you in bed all day on an Advil diet.  As you gather your sporadic thoughts, a question sparks your curiosity, “What the hell happened last night?” In college, we’ve all awoken at one time or another with such a question. This list brings light to a few “oh-no-what-have-I-done” situations and maybe you committed one of these blacked out sins last weekend, God knows I did!

Tipping the Hot Bartender Too Much Guys, we’ve all been there before. You’re a few drinks deep and suddenly the respectively cute bartender who’s been giggling at your lame jokes and whipping up double whiskey cokes for you all night has magically transformed into a goddess. Her sudden leap in attractiveness, skewed by your newly fitted beer goggles of course, has you under her spell and all you can think about is someway, somehow, taking her home with you tonight. At this point, you are shooting down a bourbon fueled slippery slope that will lead to a major dent in your cash flow. When you approach the bar, you immediately shoo away any dude bartender who offers service, willing to wait as long as it takes to spit another corny pick up line in her direction. The problem? She digs your tips, not your slurred attempts to get into her pants. And putting an extra $60 into her pocket, unfortunately, won’t even get you out of the dugout. Want to smack a home run? Try getting a prostitute, I hear they’re easy.

How Much You Wanna Bet? Denying a challenge by your buddies to eat three extra-large pizzas and an entire order of breadsticks during afterhours doesn’t make you less of a man, it makes you competent. You’ll spend the next morning barfing up chunks of Canadian bacon and cheese curds. Food for thought? Stay away from the pizza and be sure to drunkenly enjoy a delicious delivered sandwich, always worth the price.

Approaching the Psycho Ex-Girlfriend at the Bar While Blacked Out Avoid.

Hooking Up with Plan D When the night began, you mentally established a list. Plan A is the girl you that you’ve been dreaming about for months now and if all the stars align, she will be coming home with you tonight. But obstacles are often thrown our direction, my friend, and Plan A is currently crying and puking up her Rumplemintz shot in the bar bathroom while her sorority sisters hold her hair back. But the night is still young and the hunt must go on, so you shoot a text to Plan B, but she says she’s already home for the night. Plan C? You see her leave the bar with some Ed Hardy looking douche, lame.  Now hopeless, you decide to give up for the night and cut your losses. A round of Vegas bombs for you in your friends is in order, and then, darkness. When you emerge in the morning from your booze coma, you are rendered speechless by the sight at hand. Lying in your bed half-naked is your overweight, deep voice speaking, dyke haircut rocking, unibrow sporting, lab partner from your Biology class. Whoops, you’re not exactly sure where this came from. Once you strategically sneak her out of your house and drive her back to the scholarship hall as quickly as humanely possible, it’s time to whip up a false account of the night. That way, when you get home and you roommates ask you how she was, you can hold a straight face and confidently come back with “I mean…she was dece.” Some advice? Drop Bio, that class sucks anyways.

Drunken Texts: Sending… “Seriouslyi thinkk that I lolv u somuch.” Wow, you’ve done it again. There’s nothing worse than mass texting six girls at four in the morning as a last ditch effort to get some action, especially since three of them are roommates. Need a tip? Skip the unnecessary tequila shot after last call that officially takes you over the edge, avoiding it should help you use proper grammar next weekend when you do this again.