America's Most Douchey
- Article by Evans Prater
- April 23, 2012
The Oxford English Dictionary defines the word “douchebag” as a small syringe having detachable nozzles for fluid injections,used chiefly for vaginal lavage and for enemas. Sounds about right. Walking around campus, flipping through TV channels, and especially at the gym, there are literally millions of these walking syringes, who are just as valuable to the planet as the job they perform (that would be the vaginal lavage part).
Naturally, no one here at The Black Sheep is a douchebag. So we’re in a perfect position to do what you only wish you could: make a list of the biggest, most douchey-douches in our fine land of amber waves of grain. Yes, we’re judging you. Hard.
5) Rush Limbaugh: This one is pretty much a given, but no compilation of douchiness is complete without this fuckhead. Known for making blatantly racist and sexist statements lacking basic rules of grammar, education, and concern for the well being of others and our country, anyone with a brain and a heart can’t wait for this douchenozzle to hurry up and die.
Most Douchey Moment: Being born.
4) Tiger Woods: What’s more douchey than golf? The people who play it. And especially the ones who are good at it, make ridiculous amounts of money, then screw it all up by slamming some egg flipper at Denny’s. Instead of scrambling some minimum wage slutbag’s eggs, Tiger, why don’t you unscramble your head?
Most Douchey Moment: Winning a golf match. And cheating on your SWEDISH SUPERMODEL WIFE.
3) Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino: Anyone who invests more time in improving their six pack than, say, their brain, qualifies as a walking waste of life. Getting famous by displaying this abominable abdominal obsession on a music network that doesn’t actually play music anymore isn’t too far from being the most laughably douchey way to make money either.
Most Douchey Moment: The first episode of whatever that show is.
2) Mitt Romney: Sure he’s incredibly white, incredibly Mormon and incredibly entitled, but so is Ken Jennings, and that guy’s seriously boss. What sets Romney apart is his hypocrisy. This mega-millionaire called out “Nobama” for enjoying a round of golf once in a while. This coming from a man whose pastime of choice is competitive horse riding with his wife. Man imagine the size of douche you’d need for one of them. (We mean the Romneys.)
Douchiest Move: Not liking beer. Who doesn’t like beer?
1) Nickelback: I know, they’re not one person, and they’re Canadian, but these guys along with LMFAO have turned our music into the laughing stock of the world. Constantly trying to feign artistic integrity and musical talent by spraying the world’s ears with a fire hose of douche-filled suckiness, seeing people like this get famous is proof to us there’s definitely no such thing as God.
Most Douchey Moment: Getting booed off stage while being pelted with rocks. It’s on YouTube.
So, please, make sure you don’t pay any of these people—or any douchebag, for that matter—any attention. They get enough already, and it only feeds their falsely full, toddler-like egos. There is only one way to ensure that you won’t ever become a member of America’s Most Douchey: keep reading The Black Sheep.
- Florida State