Dear Red Lion Poop Girl

• Article by UIUC Staff
• 
• |
• May 4, 2012
• Tweet

• TAGS:
• Illinois

Dear Red Lion Poop Girl, 

First and foremost, thank you. Not just from me, my friends, and the University of Illinois, but from all of the people on Earth. I know you must be having a hard time right now, especially with that crude photograph of your most recent incident becoming a sensational internet meme, but I promise you, it’s going to be okay.

Here’s the deal. Hundreds of girls on this campus go out and get “white girl wasted” every night and make absolute fools of themselves. Some puke on their clothes in a booth at Kam’s, some accidentally make out with their brother, and some pee themselves while running to catch the 22 South. It happens. Everyone makes drunken mistakes. They usually get made fun of for a few days days afterward, but eventually the humor dies out and everyone finds something else to laugh about the next weekend.

There are simply too many possibilities for embarrassing situations. For instance, “Hey Jan, remember when you sat on that broken glass and bled all over the floor at Fat Sandwich?” or, “Steve, remember when you fingered that girl Jessica, and it turned out she had genital warts? Ha!” Basically, everyone has gotten their fair share of grief for blacking out and making poor decisions, but because of you, the grief is finally over. Now I can go out and destroy myself every night, and if someone gives me attitude about my decisions, I can reply with, “Hey, at least I didn’t pass out and take a poopy outside of Red Lion with my green, lacy boy shorts hanging out of my skirt.” I know it might suck for you, but you’ve done a great service for women and men across the nation. You’ve set the bar sky-high, and baby, I think that you are a true angel. Because of you, we can all take a sigh of relief and an extra shot on our next night out, knowing that it will be impossible to reach a level that you somehow ascended so easily.

I’m not sure how you are doing, or feeling, or what your parents think about you now, but none of that matters. At the end of the day, it’s important for you to remember how many people you helped out that day. If you’re still feeling down on yourself, then I think you should make a point to remind yourself just how great you are. Leave a few Post-It notes around your dorm room that say, “Hey girl, you’re awesome, unique, and a true innovator!” That way, when you’re feeling a little shitty, you'll have those reminders that you’re a great person and that you’re going to be okay. Who knows, maybe this could be the next trend! You could have just started a huge social movement, more important and lasting than Kony 2012. Don’t listen to the haters or their jokes; those people just don’t understand you, ya know? Alcohol effects people different ways. It’s possible that you’ve  been allergic to rum this whole time and just found out about it that night! 

Don’t feel the pressure to transfer schools, hide out in your dorm, or enter the Witness Protection Program. Instead, go live it up! You are an internet sensation and that makes you famous! If I were you, I would go around with copies of the meme, preferably the one that says “Ordered a #1 at Taco Bell, Took a #2 at Red Lion” and sign it for my fans. That could go for a lot of money some day. You only live once, and since this incident is basically as bad as it’s going to get, the only thing to do now is to laugh about it, girlfriend. It’s all up-hill from here.

Thanks so much for your contribution to the college social scene, and remember to keep your head high.

Sincerely,

Your Biggest Fan