That Freshman Kid With High School Swag

• Article by South Carolina Staff
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• August 28, 2012
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It’s that time of the year for freshmen to come into our classrooms, creep into our bars, and crawl into our beds. Freshmen have their benefits (girls, pledges), but have one major drawback. Whether you are dealing with a redneck, hipster, Yankee, pledge, or pothead, they all suffer from one thing: high school swag. Now we can’t crucify them right away, because at one point in our lives we all suffered from a little high school swag. However, we still have an obligation to make fun of them.

Pointing out freshmen suffering from HSS (High School Swag) is easy. For instance, if they’re saying the word “swag,” you know they’re tweaking from some serious HSS. There are three distinct types of freshmen with high school swag: the Yankee rushee, snapback stoner, and the athlete. Each sect has their own distinct symptoms, and plenty of things to learn. 

Oh, the beloved rushee from the North. Whether they are from Jersey, New York, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Ohio, or even NOVA, they all want to be in the “top frat,” and all stick out like a sore thumb. Between drinking vodka instead of bourbon and complaining about how their American Eagle clothes are no good here, they really begin to piss you off. The Black Sheep once saw one particular freshman who suffered from severe HSS: this particular freshman decided to ask his orientation leader “How can I get a bid to Sigma Nu?” Keep in mind this orientation leader had in gauges and was wearing camouflage cargo shorts,  he obviously didn’t give a shit about Sigma Nu or any other fraternity. He was just trying show frosh how the mailroom works.

This freshman was suffering from extreme HSS and had his head so far up his ass he could smell his own breath. Needless to say, he never got a bid from Sigma Nu. 

The next freshman we will warn you of is the snapback stoner. These freshmen have a very chill fashion style: Abercrombie shorts, Sperrys, long black Nike socks, an undershirt, a Bob Marley shirt, a chain, and a snapback of a city they aren’t from. The kids suffering from HSS come to Columbia with a fat half-o, a bowl named “Jack the Ripper,” and the dream to be the first person to sell weed in Bates House. Upon their parents’ departure, these kids don’t try planting some seeds with the girls across the hall, they immediately begin fashioning a gravity bong. And don’t worry, these snap back stoners have no intentions of stopping the legendary high school act of a wake n’ bake before class. No dorm room stoner is free from the tasks of toweling the door, turning on the shower, using a sploof, and dousing the room in Febreeze. So expect a lot of sketchiness among this merry band of potheads. With all this said, getting some out-of-state-dank on campus is pretty clutch, so bravo stoners. 

The next freshman with extreme high school swag is the athlete. And no, we don’t mean our collegiate athlete brethren. We’re talking about the kid who won a state championship playing D4 New Jersey football, and thinks he was the only guy to play sports in high school. This high school swag star never misses a chance to tell you about his days on the gridiron and how he ”totally squeezed like six titties” after one game. You also have your 6’4” center from Hickville, USA trying to get down at Strom courts. They always get what they deserve, a little balls-to-the-chin dunk by a real athlete. Expect to spot some ex-baseball players reppin’ a Phiten necklace and Oakleys on top of his 59/50, or some laxers with flow and a pinnie.

All in all it’s hard to fault these freshmen; we all had some high school swag at a point in our lives, it’ll fade in time. If it doesn’t, though, it’s pretty important to avoid these people and shame them until they change.