U of I Determined to Hold Onto #4 Party Ranking

• Article by Aaron Toch
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• September 7, 2012
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• Illinois

After allegations about U of I’s law school sent it into a downward spiral on the ranking board, executives of the university were not about to let it happen again. Changes that booted both former President Mike Hogan and his lapdog, Lisa Troyer, from the system were meant to bring about a new era of honesty, respect, and ranking accumulation that had previously been unseen. This era started ecstatically when the Princeton Review announced that Illinois had achieved the ranking of fourth best party school in the nation, making it the highest rank Illinois earned in any category.

“Let me say that I am proud of my students, first and foremost. Their dedication to destroying their livers, emptying their wallets, and spending the time that they paid so much to be studying on alcohol really says a lot about the lengths they went to earn us this glorious recognition,” President Robert Easter said.

Easter, the man selected to erase the grime of Hogan, has been waiting for the moment when the university showed any signs of exceptionality. Although he hoped it would be in something like journalism or biology, he will accept the party school status and work diligently to maintain that glorious honor. 

“I’ve consulted my researchers, and we’ve come up with a three point plan to get to number one by the start of next year. After the law school gave everyone the bird last year, it’s important to give our student body something, fucking anything, to hold on to.”

The first point of this plan? Acclimate the engineers. Known to feature a supporting cast from Asian countries, notably China, Easter is excited for the chance to introduce them to the wonderful art of alcoholic indulgence. “Chinese students are brilliant, kind, and have a wonderful work ethic. This is why we must work extra hard to get them to focus on Vegas Bombs and bong rips to the dome.”

To go about improving this now immediate character flaw, drastic overhauls to the campus where foreign students populate have to be made. First on the list is Grainger Engineering Library. As many foreign students invest their time in studying physics and calculus, no better way exists to reach them than turning their library into a fraternity house.

Plans to renovate Grainger Library into a fraternity are in their initial stages. To aid in the construction of this enormous frat house, Easter sought the council of Goose, a renowned partier and self-proclaimed “poon-slayer.”

“Yo, if you want to have a successful party, you gotta have bitches. And how do you get bitches? Blow. I think this Grainger place needs to have awesome bathrooms for the bitches to do blow in and then a big, comfy bed for me to ‘typhoon that poon!’” Goose said in a conference concerning the layout of Grainger, with the last phrase being emphasized by raising two shockers in the air.

“After conferring with Mr. Goose, we learned that the engineering quad is not the ideal location for a frat, due to the fact that the engineering major is mostly dominated by men. However, he insists that if we purchase a PA system with ‘real ballsy bass’ and some stripper poles for the fraternity house then we will be sure to be ‘swimming in dimes,’” Easter said at the same conference.

The second idea on Easter’s white board is to implement more Unofficial-esque holidays. Unofficial is a day that really puts the university on the map by having kids from all over the midwest come to Champaign to drown themselves in Guinness and clear out the town’s stock of Plan B pills. A major flaw of Unofficial is that it occurs only once a year, something that Easter is altering on this year’s academic calendar.

“We will now have Unofficial once a month. Participation is mandatory. If I see students not completely wasted on that day, they will be met with swift punishment. I don’t want to sound like a tyrant, but if we fall in one more ranking, I will probably be tossed out on my ass,” Easter said.

This trepidation of being fired has kept Easter working diligently towards boosting the university’s rankings. It has also led him to installing the third prong of the three-pronged attack on the school agenda: the implementation of a new, drinking-based major.

“With Alcoholic Studies, we’re looking for something that will be accessible and encouraging to the majority of the student body. Students with experience can skip over the introductory course, Imbibing 101, but everyone interested should definitely join.”

Resources for the new major have been created from the deconstruction of the now retired field of study, Recreation, Sports and Tourism, being that all three of those are made better with alcohol anyway. Guidance counselor Ryan Rosenberg is thrilled about the new implementation.

“Fortunately, the majority of students studying RST were thinly-veiled alcoholics and have been placed accordingly. Better than that, the class sizes for the major have been expanded to 600 students, and it only meets once a week,” Rosenberg said. “But nothing is stopping me from having to be in my office an extra twenty hours getting all these students in.”

Professors (admittedly, mostly TAs) have constructed their syllabi from the various bars on campus. Students can receive extra credit for ditching their other classes on Friday or by wearing ridiculous shades and unwashed sweat pants. While freshmen get charged $2,000 in hospital bills if they get transported from the dorms to the hospital via ambulance, they will now receive 20 points of extra credit in the majority of their classes if they stay home and just try to sleep it off.

“Extra credit points go a long way,” said freshman Melinda Anderson, who while currently undecided, hopes to major in Alcoholic Studies as soon as it becomes an official major. “I know I have to rethink whether I want to discourage my roommate from calling the hospital when I come back into the room barely able to stand up. My grade could be on the line.”

Part of belonging in Alcoholic Studies is to buy into the lifestyle. Fortunately, Anderson doesn’t have to. “Everyone is desperate to get me into Kam’s and then buy me a ton of drinks. Personally, I don’t mind, but I have to bring receipts to class so… it can be problematic.”

George Smock, the infamous evangelist who is known as Brother Jed on campus, is leading the protest against the inclusion of the major.

“How am I supposed to reach the students when they are drunk all the time? I depend on rational thinkers to devour my messages!” Jed shouted. Students in Alcoholic Studies will get additional bonus points for causing trouble with Jed, which is a very easy and fun thing to do.

“I’m going to make a rap song about bisexuality,” Anderson said, “and then sing it in his face.”

“She better not do that,” Jed replied, upon finding out about her plot. “Chick-fil-A and I have explicitly agreed to drown out anybody in favor of an alternate lifestyle not detailed in the Bible.”

Evidently, Alcoholic Studies has a lot of promise on campus. Outside of infusing a culture that will increase student morale and tolerance of each other, it will also do the thing president Easter wants most: to raise Illinois to the number one party school.